I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
