Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
