I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
We had to coat check the pizza.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Randomize
