I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
