You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
