so that wasnt chicken after all
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
