No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Randomize
