I just threw up on my dentist
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
i've created a new STD.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
