I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
