Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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