i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
