my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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