She's JV to your varsity
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
