So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
3 2 1 whiskey
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
