Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize