I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
