Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
