she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
