the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I party with great urgency now.
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