Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I want her autograph on my taint
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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