just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
