Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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