foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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