I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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