mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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