Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
