also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
