It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
