if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
