he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Randomize
