my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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