meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
