Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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