So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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