You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
i out mim tonsoeep
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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