my phone needs a breathalizer
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
party gras won. party gras always wins.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
