Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
