You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Randomize