I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
