I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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