so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
