saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
