Don't make out with my wife yet
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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