It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
