don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
