did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
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