Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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