So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
