I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize