Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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