If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
