My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Randomize
