Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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