____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
