i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i came on her dog
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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