Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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